“Mommy, do you think I’m handsome?“, he asks me, peeking over the top of his steel-blue glasses while builing his latest lego creation.
“Of course! You are the most handsome little guy I’ve ever seen“, I answer. “Do you think you’re handsome?”
“Not really. I have this scar, and my teeth are all crooked, and I’m way shorter than the other boys, and oh, yeah, I’m way skinnier too…” His voice trails off as if he is lost in thought, doing a mental inventory of all of his perceived short-comings.
And so it begins.
My eight-year-old son, this beautiful gift from God, has stared into his reflection in the mirror and decided that it is not quite right. The “him” he sees staring back does indeed have crooked teeth, a scar from falling when he was less than two years, and a thin — wiry but strong — frame.
These are the only qualities he sees when he looks into the mirror.
… and I feel it. This is familiar territory for me, as one who has hated the reflection for as long as I can remember. Flaws stare back, and I desperately long to control them… to cover them, fix them, to make myself perfect on the outside.
When I see my son, I see a beautiful gift from God. I see a smart, funny, intelligent, responsible little boy with tremendous potential. I see his concern for others, his sincerity, and his talent of learning.
I never even think about crooked teeth and forehead scars…
But how do I teach him to see the wonderful qualities he has when the reflection staring back at him does not live up to his expectations?
… and how do I teach myself to do the same?
“Sweetie, God doesn’t care what our outward appearance looks like. He only is concerned about our hearts. It says in 1 Samuel that ‘The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart’. The outside is just like wrapping paper. It doesn’t change the gift inside.”
As I say it, I believe it in my head… but I still understand the depths of his aching.
…to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be loved.
I am reminded of 1 Peter which tells us to be clothed with ‘the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit’. That is my desire, but how do I teach this to a little one who is the object of jokes and ridicule because his outside is not perfect?
… when our insides are not perfect either, but they are easier to hide…
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What do you think? Does outward appearance matter? How do we reconcile the idea of inner beauty with the reality we see in the mirror?
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I have some “strong” thoughts on this. I particularly get annoyed at the Christians who (without love) harp on women who’ve “let themselves go” and aren’t “pretty for their husbands.”
And to them let me say: You have NO idea what health, emotional, or other problems a woman who you sanctimoniously deem has “let herself go” may have. You have NO idea what her home life is like and what her stresses are. You have NO idea if she’s on a medication. You have no idea why her hair is frizzy or unkempt or why she’s not wearing makeup. In my case for example I CANT wear makeup and over the past year I’ve lost a lot of my hair too.
They site Biblical examples of Beautiful women, as proof that beauty is of Utmost importance. Well, let me tell you, Vashti was a beautiful queen and she almost lead a femminist uprising.
At any rate, now that’s out my system. I actually wrote a post on my “full thoughts” if you’re interested : )
http://www.lessonsfromivy.com/2012/12/true-beauty-and-shattered-self-esteem.html
As I clicked over, I was guessing this post was going to be on out outward appearance as wives and mothers…but I was proved wrong!
I think it is SO important for our kids to understand that they are made in the image of God, and that God made them amazing, the exact way they are!
One of the things my husband has asked me never to do in front of our children is to criticize my own body. At first I didn’t understand why, and after asking Chuck why he’d ask me not to do this, he explained to me that he doesn’t want our children to see their mom thinking she is “ugly” or “fat”…and he wants our children growing up knowing that GOD made them, and they are wonderful that exact way!
It’s pretty much a daily battle for me accept my husbands words of adoration and compliments…especially when I don’t feel especially “beautiful” or “pretty.” And each time I look into his eyes and ask why he continually tells me these things, he looks right back at me and says “Because they are true, honey.” I am so thankful for my husband in so many ways – and especially in this way. He has helped me to be content and happy with the exact body God has blessed me with.
I think we, as parents, can do something similar to our children. By not putting down our bodies (our looks, our chubs, our hair, our scars, etc.), we are setting an example for them. By doing exactly what you did and telling your little boy “Yes, honey! Of course I think you’re handsome!” and giving him reassurance and love, you are helping him understand that he IS lovely and handsome. But praising God for all of our body parts and hair, and graces, and looks, and thanking God for making us alive and well, we are giving glory to God, and helping ourselves understand that we ARE made in HIS image!
To God be the glory!
I just have to say Tessa, I find your response right here so VERY encouraging. My husband also goes out of his way to compliment my attributes, both inside and out. And in my past, I have so greatly struggled with this. Once I corrected him and said something very negative about myself, in which he very firmly replied “Razella, I am going to tell you right now, I do not want to hear you speak lies like that about MY wife”. I was so shocked that it stunned me into silence, in which he wrapped me up in his arms and just hugged me!
I’ve never however put it together how what I SAY in front of our son could teach him to follow that same behavior. Convicting in a wonderful way. And I think now it’s maybe what my husband was trying to teach me without either of us fully even realizing it. Yes, To God be the all the Glory!
Yes, the beauty (or “handsomeness”) that comes from within!! I have always struggled with this myself. I just laugh at myself when I am so hard on my appearance then cry at the beauty of an aged, wizened, wrinkled face. Help him focus on his heart and countenance. When someone is head over heels in love with Jesus, their joy shines through…and that is SO beautiful!
Let me tell you a short story: There was a Dutch mother, standing fore the mirror in the hallway. She saw herself and grumbled in her heart because she saw the freckles on her cheeks, a few gray hairs, the scar from the operation above her left eye. She also saw a beginning double chin and … She let her shoulders hung discouraged. But … suddenly she heard a clear voice behind her: ‘Mommy, God made you so beautiful!’ It was her son, who played at the table.
We all are so precious. Thats the lesson God learned me
When I read this about your son, I love him ( my son is eight too)
Thank you so much for this! I’m having to deal with it with myself and my girls. Every day when I get my 2 year old girl up I ask, “Do you feel beautiful today?” I do it so she can ‘feel’ pretty on the inside and not worry about the outside (thought I’d start young lol). SO the other day, I got her ready and took her to the mirror to brush her teeth. The TWO year old noticed her gorgeous red hair was all over her head and she looked all disheveled and messy (to put it nicely). Her eyes got big, her jaw dropped, and she said, “Oh no! I not bootiful! You still love me, Mama?”
BROKE MY HEART!
Now, I ask her if she feel happy every morning instead of beautiful. I *thought* I was helping, but I think it backfired
The mother in me wants to protect your son and take away his self-doubts. And this mother also wants to shake my finger (figuratively) at those other kids that make him doubt his handsomeness. Little boys (and girls) are so literal, though, I suspect it must be hard for him to understand the concept that God values his heart over his appearance. (Especially when the other boys are right there in his face.) Sigh. I, too, relate to his ache. But on the bright side, God has given him a wonderful, caring Mom to deflect the false messages and reassure him he is loved for the things that really matter. That’s immensely valuable!
Great read Melanie. It is a struggle for me to accept sometimes that I am enough. Just as I am. As an adult I know all the “right” things, that I am God’s creation and that is enough. There is only one me and that is enough. And when I feel down I can think on these things and feel a bit better.
But recently my teen-aged cousin is having image issues and it really hurts me to see this beautiful, intelligent, funny, feisty child doubt that she is anything less than enough.
I don’t know how to help her understand just how precious she is…just as she is.
The media has conditioned us to look in the mirror and see flaws. Commercials are geared to make us dissatisfied with the way we look, the house we live in, the car we drive…to want more, to see the grass on the other side of the fence as more desirable than our own grass. As Christians, we need to remember that the prince of this world rules the airwaves, even as we are bombarded with his message of half-truths to out right lies day after day. Is it any wonder that we fail to remember that God doesn’t look at the outside package, but at the heart?
I’m so glad you shared this post, because I think so often we struggle with this in ourselves that we forget, or don’t realize, our children struggle with it too. My son was “heavier” at 8 and 9, and as my husband put it, socially he was “like a bull in a china shop”. Being raised by a young single working mother, I’ll admit, I handled things completely differently then that I would now.
However, all is in God’s sovereignty. I remember the day my son came to me, a look of discontent on his beautiful face as he said to me “Mom, I hate my cheeks. I have chubby baby cheeks”. It was like my heart had been pinched into waking up and realizing, my son needed me, because the world was attacking his worth, his dignity, his spirit.
He’s 11 now, and having my husband in his life has also made a world of difference. I was reminded through reading this and the replies to this that it’s important how I talk about myself in front of my son. It’s also important that I teach my son what beauty before God really looks like, a humbled heart. We are God’s image bearers, reflecting Him to others, and we must not let the World distract us from that truth. It’s so hard, because He goes out into the world everyday, with people who may ridicule or tease him. I’ve found that loving him, and praying with him seems to go a long way. I’ve also found that for me, sometimes it’s important that I let his dad be the one to do the final “good night” tuck in and “bedtime prayer”. Sometimes, I simply share with him when I have had a struggling day, and how I had to pray about it and seek the Lord to overcome and win that day’s battle.
It’s not an easy answer, however, I know with your Christ seeking heart and mother’s love, the Lord will help guide your footsteps in how to best teach and encourage your son to be who he was created to be before the Lord. *hugs*
Wow, I really enjoyed this post…it definitely wasn’t what I expected it would be when I read the title. I’ve been really thinking a lot about how I view myself, and how that in turn will influence the way my daughter will feel about herself and the way she looks. It’s a big responsibility, and I want her to love what she sees in the mirror. I shared a post about it a few months back here, if you’re interested: http://www.thecaffeinatedcritic.com/2012/08/weighed-down.html
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!