I have a million reasons not to write this post. I can’t say that it’s on my top five (or five thousand) favorite things to talk about. I know many bloggers like to write about “hot controversial topics” to get more traffic, but honestly, we all have enough drama in our lives that I promise I will never, ever, ever create controversy just to get traffic.
However, I just keep sensing that one person needs to read this.
I’m not sure why, and I am just praying that the words will come out with the spirit with which they are meant.
Sweet friend, you need to know…
There is an epidemic in our churches, and you may not even realize it. I know I didn’t for many years. This silent epidemic is robbing women of their self esteem, pushing walls between the men of our churches and God, and destroying families. It robs children of their innocence while they are naively going about their day… and sweet friend, it could be happening in your home.
Online porn is the number one secret in our churches, and no one is saying a word. Look around at church, and think about the staggering statistics that the vast majority of men are addicted to online porn.
We shake hands, we display plastic smiles, maybe we don’t even know what goes on in our homes, and when we find out it is going on at home, we think we’re all alone.
… but we’re not.
The shame that surrounds this secret keeps it hidden in darkness. Husbands are trapped, wives are alone and depressed, and children are catching glimpses of an all adult world way too soon.
…oh be careful little eyes, what you see…
If Satan can keep this epidemic quiet, it will continue to spread. The only way to stop a disease that blossoms in the dark is to bring it into the Light.
Even now, it breaks my heart to think that as a result of this article, someone reading this might make a shocking discovery, and awaken from “blissfully ignorant” sleep into the nightmare that will forever haunt. But sweet friends, as long as these secrets are hidden, they will never be dealt with and defeated for His glory. As long as we shut our eyes and turn our heads, Satan’s dominance in the online realm will spread like wildfire. Perhaps it’s time we claimed some online space for God’s glory.
… and if things are broken, sweet friend, that is exactly when God shows up. In brokenness and desperation, God is most real and powerful. He is close to the broken-hearted, and our mended stories of forgiveness and redemption are His tools for reaching others with His story of love, sacrifice, and redemption…
If you or someone you love has been affected by this secret, could I share some important encouragement with you?
- You are not alone, sweet friend. If 100 of us were in a room together, we would find that this epidemic would affect around 86 of our husbands (according to CovenantEyes.com)
- Your husband’s addiction is not about you. I know it feels like it. It does not mean that you are lacking, that you don’t satisfy your husband, that he is not happy with you, etc. It means he has a heart problem that only God can fix.
- You cannot control your husband. Please don’t try to be God. Let God be God, and trust Him.
- Even if an internet search history is cleared, there is still evidence on the computer about the history of what has been viewed….
- Your children are at risk, whether you believe that right now or not. They are.
- 67% of children admit to clearing their Internet history to hide their online activity
- 79% of accidental exposures to Internet porn among kids take place in the home
- Denial does not stop those you love at home from seeing online porn. Please take appropriate online safety measures.
- There is nothing that God can’t forgive.
- There is no marriage too far gone for God for heal.
- Sometimes God uses the things that break us the most… to bring us closer to Him.
- I care about you. Even across the miles, if I can ever pray with you, for you, at any time, please feel free to reach out to me. You are NOT alone. My email is Melanie (at) OnlyABreath.com and I read every email that comes in, and each one is held in complete confidence.
- God is a miracle worker, an addiction-breaker, an eye-opener, and the One who satisfies all cravings….
- This may be hard to believe, but there is a part of your husband that *hates* online porn as much as you do.
I am happy to partner with “Covenant Eyes“, the BEST online accountability and filtering software. We have used Covenant Eyes in our home for several years and love it.
Each week, my husband and I get reports of each other’s web usage. Each site we visit will be rated. (“T” for teen, “M” for mature, “HM” for highly mature, etc). Since we know that the other person will see what we view online, we are certainly not going to visit any sites that we would be ashamed for the other person to see. Accountability alone is a HUGE deterrent to online porn.
… shedding light on that which Satan has kept secret…
Our oldest son also uses the computer to play games online (Lego.com is one of his favorites!), but I am realizing that it is so easy for children to accidentally stumble on something that they shouldn’t see. That’s why I love Covenant Eyes’ filtering. You can set it up to get accountability reports for your children and also set up filters so that any sites that are rated above their permitted level are completely blocked.
Covenant Eyes is leading the fight against Satan’s primary weapon against our marriages (56% of divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in online porn). PLEASE take time to review the pamphlet below to find out how you can guard your family against online porn.
Click this link to view and download the printable information flyer for Covenant Eyes –> Covenant Eyes Flyer code onlyabreath 1perPage
Click this link and use the code “onlyabreath” to get 30 days of Covenant Eyes completely FREE. Please feel free to print out the .pdf flyer and give it to your friends or make it available at your church. I can’t recommend Covenant Eyes highly enough!
Remember to use the code “onlyabreath” to get 30 days of Covenant Eyes completely FREE.
If you think someone else might benefit from this software, would you please consider “sharing” this post, but first, I just ask that you whisper a silent prayer for the one who may find out this is going on in her home and please pray for God’s healing touch on her marriage…
Photo credits: Computer, Light
Oh Melanie, I have heard of this over and over and IN THE CHURCH. Just in the past twelve months I have seen several marriages fall apart because of this and seen many more marriages struggle because of it. I am constantly hearing of women who hurt and feel so alone. It is a poison straight from the pit of hell sent to ruin marriages and churches. We must take a stand!!
THANK YOU for taking a stand and posting this!
Have you had any problems with this program freezing your computer or causing it to run slow? I have Safe Eye’s installed on our computers, which was recommended by Dave Ramsey and I find it has slowed our computer. Thanks so much for this article. I plan on emailing you privately as this has really touched home with me.
I haven’t had any problems at all with it slowing down or acting funny. Covenant Eyes is great because they continue to make updates available (and you can install them when you want to). This helps customers get fixes quickly for any issues that may be found (but I haven’t had any problems).
… and please feel free to contact me ANY time. I am here for you, and am praying for you even now.
And ladies, truth be told, it’s not only the men that are viewing porn. Many of us have to admit that we have looked recently or in the past. I admit this because I am one of those people that did in the past. Praise God for His grace! I no longer look or seek those things out and haven’t in years. Stop now! Take Melanie up on her offer. Thank you Melanie for posting this!
I found out just today that a friend is struggling with this in her home! Thank you SO much! I have passed on the information. You have been a blessing today!
Oh sweet friend, I am praying for your friend. Please let her know that she is in my prayers…
To support Sandy above, and level the playing field somewhat, it isn’t just men who struggle with porn and looking at what they shouldn’t be on the Internet. We are talking about relationships/Biblical purity with our youth group at church right now, and I talked with my high school group Sunday about how they approach viewing male actors/athletes/models, etc. Women definitely struggle with this issue too and need support in dealing with it. Accountability is huge and this seems like a useful tool. Thanks for the post and the offer, Melanie.
Sadly, the reason it is the number one secret in our church is because our pastors and leaders are secretly addicted as well. They don’t know how to address an issue that they too can’t seem to overcome. This is addiction that has plagued my marriage from the first year. Know that it’s not just on computers. Fortunately covenant eyes works for phones as well. I believe that smartphones and tablets are satans way of fighting back. They are more secretive and easier to use to cheat. There are several apps designed just for spouses to stray from their commitments to each other. Another note – covenant eyes addresses the issue of incognito mode (aka porn mode) that most browsers come equipped with. Most free filters like X3 watch do not. I urge every woman to study this addiction. Know it inside and out. not just for your husbands sake but your children as well. Dr Weiss has an excellent program for both those addicted to porn and sex and those who are suffering from their spouses addictions. www {dot} sexaddict {dot} com is a great resource. He is Christian based. The freedom group that my husband is in is now studying Andrew Murray’s The Master’s Indwelling and he has grown so much closer to God than he has in years. There are a lot of books and resources out there. It is time to bring this out of the darkness into the light. It is time to provide healing to our marriages. Praise the Lord that he is almighty and can triumph over satan in this war for our brothers souls!!
Thanks so much for this post! Sexual sin – pornography, affairs (both physical and emotional) – is running rampant in our churches and society. It’s time we address it.
Every woman needs to read this!
Another resource to consider: Thomas Nelson recently published “SURFING FOR GOD: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” by Michael John Cusick. Highly recommended by some very respectable folks, including John Eldredge.
Mid last year our pastor did a series of sermons on Sex in the Bible and he devoted one sermon just to address this issue. He did a very powerful example of how sex was meant to be pure like a crystal clear glass of water and then he poured the water into a toilet and then scooped it back out into the glass and said….this is what Satan does to what God intended to be pure he makes it dirty and it makes us sick when we drink it. It is so sad to think how many lives are destroyed this way.
I’ve led a support group for women facing this issue (in their spouses) and also the issue of affairs. The truth is, ladies, that when the men struggle with this problem, it is not about us. It is not about our beauty, our availability, or our personality. It is about a culture that provides instant, easy access at a young age, a man’s dabbling, then returning, then more, all the while trying to fill his own void. They spiral down in a cycle of shame – gratification – more shame – more gratification. It’s a cultural perfect storm, and sadly, the church and the culture don’t look much different to one another. What’s ultimately scary in the long run is that this addiction–like any–leads to more and more to get the same high. It’s like any serious sin; it leads to death. There is help – I HIGHLY recommend the 12 step anonymous groups; don’t be scared of the “god as I understand him” part. SA and SLA (look them up) (sexaholics anonymous and sex-love-anonymous or something like that). These programs will have Christians and non-Christians alike, but as Christian men get serious about staying straight, these groups equip them and give them a shame-free accountability place.
This is heartbreaking. Dave, my husband, and I had a marriage that was a haven, a safe place where we each felt cherished and loved. We built our marriage on respect and friendship and loving each other enough to wait while God did hard work in each of us.
Jen, Finding Heaven Today, has written about this problem in her household and is contracted to write a book. I cannot imagine the pain and agony of finding out Dave had been unfaithful to me. Decades ago, in another marriage, my husband was unfaithful and it shattered my life for years.
I am reminded of the song…be careful little eyes what you see…be careful little ears what you hear…